The Examen for loss and change
When life undergoes a major shift or loss, our sense of time and safety often feels fragmented. The Examen is a five-step evening review adapted from historical reflective traditions, originally built from the writings of Ignatius of Loyola. Rather than trying to analyze your feelings or solve life’s complex changes overnight, this practice offers a quiet, structured container to review the past twenty-four hours. It allows you to honor grief, spot quiet moments of comfort, and end the day with a grounded sense of presence. By taking a few minutes each evening to acknowledge what was hard and what sustained you, you build a steady relationship with an unpredictable world.
Why the Examen Suits Moments of Transition
When a major life shift occurs—whether through bereavement, a relationship ending, or a quiet internal transition—our days can blur into an exhausting haze. The Examen suits these moments because it imposes no demand for positivity or quick solutions. Instead, it provides a gentle structure to look back on a single day without getting lost in the overwhelming whole. By reviewing your hours with warm objectivity, you begin to notice contrast: moments of heavy grief sitting alongside unexpected glimpses of peace or connection. The practice validates the reality of your loss while slowly restoring your capacity to notice life as it continues to unfold. It offers a daily anchor when everything else feels adrift.
Practicing the Five Steps in Daily Life
To practice the Examen during a time of change, sit quietly near the end of your day. Begin by settling your breath and coming into the present moment. Next, name one small detail you are thankful for—a warm drink, a breeze, or a quiet room. Third, gently review your day chronologically from morning to evening, watching your experiences unfold like a quiet film. Fourth, pause at a moment that felt particularly difficult or tender, allowing yourself to feel it briefly without needing to fix or judge it. Finally, look forward to tomorrow, asking yourself what simple stance—patience, rest, or courage—you might need. Five minutes of this practice offers a peaceful boundary between today and tonight.
Common Obstacles and Gentle Adjustments
During seasons of loss, turning inward can sometimes feel overwhelming. A common obstacle is emotional fatigue during the chronological review, where recalling the day feels too heavy. If this happens, shrink your focus. Review only the last two hours, or simply reflect on a single moment when you felt safe. Another common challenge is harsh self-judgment—using the practice to criticize how you handled your grief or stress. When you catch yourself grading your reactions, remember that this review is an act of gentle attention, not an audit. Adjust your tone to that of a steady, compassionate observer. If sitting still feels too intense, try writing your answers in a journal or taking a quiet slow walk.
Recognizing When to Reach for Human Support
Reflective exercises are designed to support your well-being, but they are not always the right tool for every moment. If turning inward brings up persistent, severe distress, flooding emotions, or a deep sense of despair, it is completely appropriate to stop the practice. Self-reflection should never feel like an ordeal you must suffer through alone. When grief or change feels too heavy to hold, reach out for human connection instead. Talk to a trusted friend, counselor, or healthcare professional who can listen. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or feel unable to keep yourself safe, please reach out immediately to a local crisis hotline or emergency support service.
Common questions
- Do I need to be religious to practice the Examen?
- No religious belief is required. While the Examen was historically built from the writings of Ignatius of Loyola within a traditional faith context, its structure is deeply universal. You can engage with it as a secular form of daily self-compassion and mental clarity. Simply replace religious framing with a focus on human connection, personal presence, and quiet, honest observation of your everyday life.
- What if I cannot find anything to feel grateful for during step two?
- In times of profound loss, forcing big feelings of gratitude can feel unnatural or dishonest. Start very small. Gratitude in this context does not mean ignoring pain; it means noticing basic physical comforts. Look for the warmth of a blanket, a steady glass of water, or simply the fact that you survived a difficult day. Acknowledging tiny, neutral comforts is entirely sufficient.
- How long should the evening Examen take?
- Five to ten minutes is ideal for a daily practice. Keeping the session brief prevents it from turning into an exhausting mental chore or an endless loop of overthinking. If you notice yourself ruminating or getting stuck in heavy analysis, set a gentle five-minute timer. The goal is a light, steady check-in that allows you to close the day and rest.
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